APPLES AND ORANGES: Barry v. Maggie

Maggie, you ask if it bothers me that some essentially straight men have had one or more homosexual encounters and some essentially gay men have had heterosexual experiences as well?

If heterosexual/homosexual libido is a continuum which has no really discernible demarcations until you reach the ends of the spectrum (viz., exclusive heterosexuality or homosexuality), then no, I am not bothered. Nor yet surprised. It would in fact be what one would expect.

When these experiences prove unrewarding, perhaps even repulsive, psychologically or physically, then the behavior is abandoned and these men revert to their respective basic orientations. But if the experiences are found pleasurable, satisfying and sexually fulfilling, then a propensity to lifelong bisexual urges is the most likely result.

One of the major impediments to sorting this all out is the insistence by most conservatives (especially religious conservatives) that sexual orientation is a matter of choice, that gay people are somehow just straight people who choose to be gay.

But if this is turned around--straight people are really just gay people who choose to be straight--conservatives immediately sense the absurdity of it. But they seem helpless to finally connect the dots and just keep repeating the endless refrain that sexual orientation is a choice. I wonder if they full comprehend the logical implication of their position, that their own orientation is a choice which they can readily change with a simple act of the will. Is that what they really want us to believe about them?

The fact is, we cannot choose to whom we will be sexually attracted. Libido is a given, a craving that is instinctual. Tell a strictly heterosexual man who finds the very idea of sexual contact with a man completely revolting, that in fact he could will himself to be a homosexual, he will think you bonkers. Gay men feel the same way when told they can choose to be straight.

Some of us, fortunately, are able to make rational decisions as to whether to act upon the demands of the libido but the libido itself is not a matter of choice. The lust I may feel for my neighbor's wife has a life of its own. The full extent of my choice in the matter is not to follow through on my lustful desires for either moral or practical reasons.

The continuum I spoke of is not a frozen highway and people may find themselves at various locations along the spectrum at different times in their lives. However, relocation along the continuum is never a matter of choice, it is merely where you find yourself.

I know a man who was married for 25 years, happily so he says. He had homosexual desires (not a choice) but kept them from his wife and never acted upon them (a choice). When he was 49 his wife died. He soon met a man to whom he was sexually attracted (not a choice) and they have been together for 34 years (a choice). During this time he has never again experienced another sexual attraction for a woman (but not by choice). He has long since considered himself exclusively homosexual rather than bisexual since he finds heterosexual urges totally absent.

I know another man who had numerous sexual encounters in his early 20's with both men and women. He settled down to a 10 year relationship with a man which ended when this partner became both alcoholic and promiscuous.

Shortly thereafter he met a woman to whom he was highly attracted and they have been together for 6 years. But he still finds men sexually desirable. So is he gay? Well, yes. But he also finds his exclusively heterosexual and monogamous relationship totally fulfilling. So is he straight? Well, yes.

Again, that is why I find gay/straight labels confusing (meaningless, in fact) when applied to such cases. Men who are sexually attracted both to women and to other men should be deemed bisexual even though the attraction may be stronger for one sex than for the other.



posted by maggie at 11:23 PM | Link |

0 Comments:

Post a Comment

<< Home