MEN AND MONOGAMY: Jonathan Rauch

A huge topic, men and monogamy and gay marriage. I'll just put some thoughts on the table. Perhaps they'll be fruitful for discussion later on.

1) I think it's almost certainly true that gay male couples put a somewhat lower value on monogamy within a relationship than do straight couples. But how big is the "somewhat"? I doubt the more extreme estimates. I think it's a spectrum, and the average differences will prove unstartling (especially after same-sex marriage establishes cultural traction--see No. 3 below).

2) I know many monogamous gay couples. Non-monogamous gay couples don't take an orgiastic attitude, contra Kurtz. Their general view is that now and then is OK, but regularly and/or often is definitely not OK. (See No. 4 below.)

3) If gay male couples are less monogamous, is that because they are gay, because they are male, or because they come out of a culture that has been forced for 2,000 years (or whatever) to have sex with strangers in the bushes? Maggie and I agree that #1, "gay," is not a decisive factor. We agree that #2 and #3 are both factors. But I'd say #3 is a very big factor indeed. We have no idea how same-sex couples would behave in a culture where gay people grew up expecting to marry. They might (or might not!) still be less monogamous than straight couples, but clearly the gap would narrow. The surprise, given the Dark Age that gays are only now emerging from, is that so many gay male couples are monogamous--how quickly men are settling down even without marriage!

4) Suppose, after gay marriage, gay-male couples turned out to have higher infidelity rates but lower divorce rates? In Japan, marriages are stabler than here, but it's not as a big deal if men fool around (on business trips in Thailand; with bar girls; etc.) Which country has the better deal, the U.S. or Japan? Worth pondering.

5) Infidelity isn't such a big deal SOCIALLY, if people keep it quiet. The vast majority of gay couples do. And will. They, too, have parents and in-laws.

6) If unfaithful gay couples set a bad example, won't faithful ones set a good example? It will be a mixture. When a gay actor accepts his Oscar by thanking his devoted husband of 20 years, won't that send a pretty good message about marriage?

7) When fidelity is a legal condition for heterosexuals to marry, it should be a legal condition for homosexuals to marry. Not before.

8) After gay marriage, maybe 2 or 3 percent of all marriages will be male-male. Only a portion of those will be nonmonagamous. Only a portion of that portion will be publicly nonmonagamous--probably a fringe group even among even gay marriages. They will be a cultural curiosity, not the death of monogamy as we know it.

9) Maggie points out that men and women are different where appetite for sexual variety (among other things) is concerned. Right. And, after same-sex marriage, straight marriages will still contain women, who will still not want their husbands to sleep around. The notion that large numbers of straight couples will imitate gay ones ignores biology.

10) Lesbians seem to do less fooling around than anyone. Let them marry, even if all the above points are wrong.

posted by maggie at 3:28 PM | Link |

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