APPLES AND ORANGES: Barry answer Maggie

So many questions. Where to start!? Well, here goes.

You ask of sexual desire, what is it an appetite for? At its most base, it is the urge to satiate sexual libido. Hunger pangs urge us to seek food, libido pangs urge us to seek orgasm. And that's all the metaphysics you will get from me.

A hungry guy may quiet his craving for food in a number of ways. He can frequent a fast food eatery all by himself and wolf down a burger and fries. He can grab a bag of chips from the vending machine and continue a late night at the office. Or he can find much greater satisfaction dining at a fine restaurant in the company of a beautiful and alluring woman whom he deeply loves, basking in the warm glow of romantic candlelight and the sounds of soft, beautiful music. Ahhhh.

Same way with sex. To satisfy his craving he can do a solo while surfing internet porn. He can do a businesslike quickie with a pickup prostitute. Or he can share sexual intimacy with a beautiful and alluring woman whom he deeply loves, basking in the warm glow of candlelight and sounds of soft, beautiful music. Ahhhh.

In either dining or sex, its the intimacy, the contact with another responsive and loving being, that will give the greatest satisfaction and meaning. Though some would substitute a man for a woman.

Now, is Eros a demanding God who offers no choice? Yes, if by choice is meant that one can deliberately choose whom one finds sexually appealing. In that regard, Eros calls the shots. He can, of course, be denied or ignored in some ways. Many throughout history, mainly women, have married or been forced to marry persons for whom they had neither physical nor emotional attractions. Reported results are varied. And, fortunately, some are able to resist the darker side of Eros. Perhaps the pedophile and the rapist cannot will away their destructive fantasies but we can hope that they will find the power to refrain from acting on them. Alas, they often do not.

Next, what is the relationship between our desires and our sexual identities? If we do not choose our desires, do we then have no choice over our sexual identities? Again, it was you, Maggie, who used the term sexual identity...specifically, gay identity. I repeated the term in my last post but added quotation marks because I really did not know what you had in mind.

At first I thought you might be referring to mannerisms such as stereotypical effeminate gestures or speech affectations. Then wondered if you were referring to cultural inclinations--aren't all gay men supposed to just love Judy Garland and Cher? (Perhaps my choice of icons is out of date.)

And what common ground would there be in "gay identity" between a character such as a Jack on WILL & GRACE and a Richard Chamberlain? Or between a flaming drag queen and a masculine gay truck driver whose idea of a great night out is a demolition derby or boxing match. Clarification please. My turn to ask questions.

Which brings me to another beef, the use of gay as a synonym for homosexual. No doubt great shorhand for use by gays. But most heterosexuals who hear the work gay likely conjure up a Nathan Lane or a Harvey Fierstein rather than a Montgomery Clift, Raymond Burr or Rock Hudson. I know. I am as guilty as the rest. Gay is such a nice short word.

Now, can we be gay-bi-straight at various times of life? It seems highly unlikely to me that a man who has had only desires for and sexual experiences with other men would venture out very far on the continuum let alone slip all the way to heterosexual end of the spectrum. And vice versa for confirmed heterosexuals. In a recent interview, Richard Chamberlain acknowledged his strictly homosexual orientation yet noted that he lost his virginity to a woman. Hardly a giant step toward heterosexuality nor yet bisexuality.

The greatest swings in heterosexual/homosexual behavior is along the continuum, the murky waters of bisexual desire. Bisexuals are the most likely candidates for moving more or less permanently to one end of the spectrum or other than those who have never ventured beyond familiar territory. Question is, can one ever totally escape bisexual desires? I know one man who says he has. But who knows what lurks in the dark recesses of the human psyche? Only the shadowy sex therapist knows. And I said no more metaphysics!



posted by maggie at 5:12 PM | Link |

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