I AM A WIDOW: Powerful essay from a blogger

I am a widow. The law doesn't say so. My tax form doesn't say so; neither do any of the countless forms that I fill out that include marital status say so. But every time I check off the box that says single I want to scream and white it out and write, "widow". But I am a Lesbian who has lost her female partner so in most places I am not accorded the status of "widow". When it came time to settle my partner’s estate, I was a class D beneficiary -- no relationship whatsoever--a roommate, a friend, the lady next door.

It does not seem to matter that we lived in a monogamous loving relationship for 31 years or that we co-parented 3 wonderful children. It does not seem to matter that those children have severe developmental disabilities and although they are now legally adults I continue to be a single parent -- what am I thinking--we were each always single parents!!! Our home, our cars, our belongings-the law said that they legally are separately hers and mine so I will pay taxes on half of all we owned.-- after all I am not a legal widow anymore than I was a legal wife or a legal co-parent.

Backing up a few years: You shouldn’t have to lie when you are in a committed relationship, but when the law doesn't legalize or even recognize your union, sometimes you are forced to do so. While the courts here in New Jersey now allow second parent adoption of children of partners in same-sex relationships, it was not always so. We had to adopt our sons as single parents, making us in effect 2 distinct households. I will never forget the day one of our sons needed to be hospitalized--the one who bears my partner's surname. I was at home alone with him. Good thing Pat and I looked somewhat alike in a poor photograph--I wound up taking one of her employee IDs with me, said I had forgotten my license in the rush as a friend had driven us up, and was very glad for once for his limited speech and that he called me "Ma"!

more--do read the whole thing
posted by Eve at 5:15 PM | link

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