ABOLITION OF MARRIAGE: Jonathan Rauch

[Here's an excerpt from Rauch's new book on gay marriage. I think it speaks pretty directly to our current question: Should we "get government out of marriage" and have "civil unions" for all?--Eve]

If you are married, a question: How do you know?

Seriously. Suppose someone showed up on your doorstep and demanded that you prove you are married. How would you do it? You might say your spouse is the only person you ever sleep with, but what if the two of you no longer have sex, or what if one of you has fooled around? You could say you live together, but so do many people who are not married. You could point to your children, if you have any, but nowadays many unmarried couples have children. You could proclaim your love for your spouse--if you still love your spouse--but that would not prove anything, either. You could ask your friends and neighbors to vouch for you, but how do they know? You could point to the ring on your finger, or go find some wedding pictures, but--well, you get the point. Imagine what a time-consuming nuisance it would be to assemble a dossier to prove that you and your spouse have made a special, lifelong commitment. Much easier to do something else: have the inquirer check the records at the courthouse, which will indicate right away that you are married.

If marriage is to be a special promise which brings special status, people need to know who has made the promise and who deserves the status. We need a standard way to know who is married and who isn't. Civil marriage provides that standard. In America, with no established church, only civil marriage can provide it.

When you get a marriage license, you do more than pick up a piece of paper. You cross the line into a new relationship not only with your partner but with the state and, through the state, society. There is, of course, that big basket of legal prerogatives which, all of a sudden, you qualify for. Moreover, you have entered a legal relationship which is complicated and difficult to get out of--at least if your spouse is disinclined to make it easy. Moreover, if you and your spouse come into conflict over money or children (among other things), you both give the courts jurisdiction over your personal affairs. That piece of paper from the government turns out not to be just a piece of paper after all. Rather, it signifies that the state now views you in an entirely different way.

This is the demarcating function of civil marriage. Nowadays few weddings are alike (just recall some of the matrimonial readings you may have heard--or, maybe better yet, don't). No two marriages are alike, either. And here is the beauty part: Thanks to secular marriage, they do not have to be alike. We can all have our own religions and ceremonies and marriages; we can get married on roller skates while chanting karmic mantras; but by seeking and recognizing state authority for our vows, we signal to each other and to the world that we really are married. The license is more than a handy one-stop way to draw up a complicated contract, although it certainly is that. It is also a universally recognized sign which says: "These people have made the ultimate commitment, so treat them accordingly."
posted by Eve at 2:44 PM | Link |

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