Men

"February 25, 2007
Modern Love
The Hunter-Gatherer, Parking Division By ANDY RASKIN
FOR my third date with Tracy I’m taking her to the Sum Hey Rice Shoppe in Manhattan. . .

I try to reassure Tracy. “We’ll find one.”

“I’m not worried,” she says. “I have really good parking karma.”

I hate that expression. To me, such an attitude belittles the keen sensibility about parking that has been refined and obsessed over and passed down through the male line of my family for generations. I inherited it from my father — one of the all-time great Chinatown parkers.

For Richard Raskin, a parking space was not some gift from the gods, not in any way dependent on personal good luck. Rather, it was the direct result of hard work, carefully honed skills and, yes, raw talent. My dad didn’t “look” for parking spaces. He hunted them down. The ability to find one was, to him, the measure of a man.

Sons in many cultures learn how to behave as men by observing their fathers, often in rituals that may seem odd or even fetishistic to outsiders. There’s a tribe in New Guinea, for instance, where the fathers gather together and masturbate into a river while their adolescent male offspring watch. In a similar way, I learned from the back seat of my father’s 1977 Chevrolet Caprice Classic that Raskin men find good parking. Quickly.

. . .“You can’t park here,” Tracy says. “You’re too close to the hydrant.”

“Don’t worry about it,” I say. “In Chinatown, if you can’t find a spot, you make a spot.”

Tracy rolls her eyes, but I withdraw the key from the ignition. We get out of the car, and Tracy slams her door shut. “You would rather park here, and possibly get in the way of a fire truck rescuing someone, than put it in a lot?”

“Yeah.”

Tracy looks into the distance. “You are so self-centered.”

I’m starting to get the feeling that I will never meet her sister who lived in Little Italy.

Maybe Tracy is right. Maybe I am a little too close to the hydrant. My father surely would have found a better spot. Even my grandfather would have put me to shame, parallel-parking his borrowed 1921 Ford coupe in bustling, prewar Midtown.

But in one respect Tracy has it all wrong. I am so the opposite of self-centered. The only thing I have been centering on is how to impress her and take care of her. Which is to say, I’ve been trying to be a man. And in my tribe, when it comes to parking, a man takes charge. A man finds spots.

Andy Raskin is a writer who lives in San Francisco. His work has been heard on “This American Life” on Public Radio International."

posted by maggie at 12:50 PM | Link | 2 comments

Massachusetts Curriculum Case

After their sons (one a kindergartner and the other a first-grader) brought home books about same-sex couples, two sets of parents asked the school to notify them before their children were given these kinds of materials or involved in class discussions on homosexuality or same-sex marriage. School officials in Lexington, Massachusetts refused and the parents sued, alleging a violation of various constitutional provisions (right to privacy, right of parents to control their children’s upbringing and free exercise of religion). This morning a federal trial court in Massachusetts issued a decision dismissing the case.

In a long preamble section, the court said, “public schools are entitled to teach anything that is reasonably related to the goals of preparing students to become engaged and productive citizens in our democracy.” The court went on, “It is reasonable for public educators to teach elementary school students about individuals with different sexual orientations and about various forms of families, including those with same-sex parents, in an effort to eradicate the effects of past discrimination, to reduce the risk of future discrimination and, in the process, to reaffirm our nation’s constitutional commitment to promoting mutual respect among members of our diverse society.”

The court relied on an earlier federal court decision (in which parental rights were not infringed by requiring children to participate in an extremely sexually explicit school assembly without parents being notified in advance) to dismiss all of the parents’ claims. The court held the school had a rational basis for its policy based on recognizing diversity of sexual orientation. The court noted that in Massachusetts, “these differences may result in same-sex marriages.”
posted by William Duncan at 5:26 PM | Link | 14 comments

Connecticut Pro-SSM Amicus Briefs

Read 'em here.
posted by maggie at 11:35 AM | Link | 0 comments

EQUALITY, PRIVACY, AND THE NEW GENETIC TECHNOLOGIES: Jack Balkin

here
posted by Eve at 4:57 PM | Link | 0 comments

SSM Updates

Rhode Island Attorney General's opinion: the state should recognize gay marriage performed elsewhere. New Jersey gay couples enter into civil unions after 3 day waiting period. In Illinois, an SSM bill is introduced.
posted by maggie at 11:38 AM | Link | 0 comments

My Hero

AP, Feb 21, 2007:

"Porn DVD Screams Prompt Sword 'Rescue'
OCONOMOWOC, Wis. (AP) -- A man says he broke into an apartment with a cavalry sword because he thought he heard a woman being raped, but the sound actually was from a pornographic movie his upstairs neighbor was watching.

"Now I feel stupid," said James Van Iveren, who has been charged in the case. "This really is nothing, nothing but a mistake."

According to a criminal complaint, the neighbor told police that Van Iveren pounded on the door and kicked it open without warning Feb. 12, damaging the frame and lock.

"Where is she?" Van Iveren demanded, thrusting the sword at the neighbor, the complaint said. "Where is she?"

The neighbor told police Van Iveren became increasingly aggressive as he repeated the question, insisting that he had heard a woman being raped. The complaint said that, with the sword pointed at him, the neighbor led Van Iveren throughout the apartment, opening closet doors to prove he was alone.

The neighbor later played for police the part of the DVD he believed Van Iveren heard downstairs.

Van Iveren, 39, of Oconomowoc, was charged with criminal trespass, criminal damage and disorderly conduct, all while using a dangerous weapon, and is due in court March 5. Together, the misdemeanor counts carry a maximum sentence of 33 months in jail.

Van Iveren said Tuesday that he heard a woman "screaming for help," grabbed the sword, bounded up the stairs, kicked in the apartment door and confronted the man who lived there.

"I intended to hold it behind my back and knock. But I froze and instead, what happened happened," he told the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel. . . "

A less heroic account of the same incident here.
posted by maggie at 11:26 AM | Link | 1 comments

THE DEARTH OF SAMARITAN BRIDES: From the BBC News

here
posted by Eve at 8:06 PM | Link | 0 comments

AGELESS FATHERHOOD? MAYBE NOT: From HealthDay News

...Now, research is revealing that a man's potential for producing a child may not last forever, either -- at least not without health consequences for the child. And, as men age, those who don't take care of their health may fall victim to a faster, louder clock.
more
posted by Eve at 12:11 AM | Link | 0 comments

HOW THE CHURCH CAN HELP CHILDREN OF DIVORCE: Kristine Steakley

here
posted by Eve at 12:10 AM | Link | 0 comments

INCREASE IN EGG DONORS RAISES CONCERNS: From Yahoo News

here
posted by Eve at 12:08 AM | Link | 0 comments

New Study: Children of Adoptive Parents

I recieved the following information from a press release from Paul Cameron. I notice Prof. Brad Wilcox has made a similar point on Familyscholars blog:

"The Associated Press reported a new study showed that adoptive parents "invest more time and financial resources in their children than biological parents" and thus challenges "arguments that have been used to oppose same-sex marriage and gay adoption." . . ."What is important is not how hard the parents tried, but how their children did. We discover that in the 15th footnote 'with controls for parental investments, adoptive children have significantly lower reading, math, and general knowledge scores than children from all but a few [from single parent and step families]. When we account for sociodemographic characteristics, the coefficients increase, and adoptive children show significantly lower test scores than most children' (p. 111).

That is, though adoptive parents put more effort and resources into parenting, their children did less well. . ."

posted by maggie at 1:52 PM | Link | 9 comments

Practical Polyamory

"On the other side of the table, a laid-back Dunphy, Ve Ard's latest boyfriend, sat near James Glendinning, a 37-year-old wine and liquor salesman and his girlfriend, Laura Guy. Ve Ard and Glendinning used to be lovers but aren't anymore. Guy is one of Ve Ard's closest friends.

After a while, Ve Ard got up from her spot between Neumann and Veaux and headed over to Dunphy's side. She grabbed Dunphy's hand and moved in for a kiss on the lips. Her long, red curls hid the smooch.

What was she thinking just then?

"I'm wondering if everyone is getting enough attention," she said, "and if I'm spread too thin. I'm not used to having this number of extended partners close by."
Ve Ard says she's not having sex with all of her boyfriends. But whenever she adds another lover to her repertoire, she sends him a "sexual history disclosure" spreadsheet, complete with names of partners, the types of sexual contact they had and the results of tests for sexually transmitted diseases. She expects the same in return.

So when she and Dunphy initiated a sexual relationship, they exchanged spreadsheets and she disclosed to him that she has had human papillomavirus, or HPV, a common sexually transmitted disease. They also got tested for other STDs, including HIV, and shared the results with each other - and with Neumann.
"Because I'm sexually involved with her, any new diseases will affect me," Neumann says. . ."
posted by maggie at 1:49 PM | Link | 0 comments

Children Still Need Fathers/Leonard Pitts

Miami Herald, Sunday, February 18, 2007:

"I'll tell you when I decided — apologies to Ricky Ricardo — I had some splainin' to do.

It was a few days ago, when I got an e-mail informing me that I am an "anti-gay bigot." Which would be a shock to the system at any time, but seems especially ironic coming as it does a few weeks before I am supposed to receive an award from PFLAG — Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays.

The source of this ire? A column I wrote about Mary Cheney, who is a lesbian, pregnant, and the daughter of the vice president. I thought it was a bad idea for Cheney and her life mate, Heather Poe, to have a baby and I noted that this is an opinion I share with Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family fame.

Which caused a few folks to fire off scandalized notes wondering how I function without benefit of a brain. Or a heart.

I suppose you can't blame them for going nuclear at an expression of solidarity with Dobson, who is not known for his enlightened attitude toward gays. For the record, had he couched his objection in terms of antipathy toward gays, I'd have happily torn him a new orifice. But he did not. What he said was something I have often said myself: Children need fathers.

That argument, for me, at least, is not about sexual orientation. My objection to Cheney and Poe is precisely the same one I have to heterosexual single women who decide to conceive children without benefit of a stable and involved father. I believe that our slide toward a fatherless society, a society where the male parent is considered optional, irrelevant or interchangeable, is toxic for our children.

That concern is buttressed by a growing body of research — UC Santa Barbara, 1996; University of Pennsylvania, 1997; Princeton University and the University of Pennsylvania, 1998; London School of Economics and Princeton University, 2002 — which tells us the child raised without his or her biological father is significantly more likely to live in poverty, do poorly in school, drop out altogether, become a teen parent, exhibit behavioral problems, smoke, drink, use drugs, or wind up in jail.

So dad's involvement would seem vital to a child's well-being. And in reading those e-mails, I was repeatedly struck by the blithe way people disregarded that fact, by how eagerly they assured me fathers bring nothing to the table that cannot be replaced by an uncle, a coach, a family friend or other "father figure." As one woman put it: "To say that chromosomes or genitalia dictate the chances of happiness or success ... for a family really makes no sense."

Actually, what makes no sense is to pretend that you can remove a father from a child's life and have the child not notice. I mean, can you imagine anyone daring to make the argument that children lose nothing if their mother abandons them, that the emotional support, nurturing and unqualified love she brings to the home can be readily replaced by the friendly lady down the street?

Of course not. That some of us so airily make that exact argument about fathers speaks volumes about our lack of respect for — and understanding of — fatherhood itself.

I have nothing against father figures. I had one. I am one. But a father figure is not a father.

I also have nothing against gay adoptive parents or mothers left single by tragedy, divorce or abandonment. I admire them.

But as 16 percent of white kids and a whopping 51 percent of black ones grow up father-free, facing all the difficulties that portends, I definitely have something against the idea, whether advanced by straight women or lesbians, that father is unnecessary, that so long as there's some uncle around to show a boy how to hit the mark in the toilet, everything is hunky dory.

A woman has the right to use her body as she sees fit. I don't argue that.

But it seems to me her child has a few rights, too."

posted by maggie at 12:14 PM | Link | 1 comments